Thursday, July 10, 2008

i + me= we:

so, i think i've finally figured it out. it is my personal belief that everyone must go through one REAL break up to mature and understand how a relationship works. you absolutely have to, otherwise you have no idea what you're doing or how it's suppose to be done. okay, okay-maybe not e v e r y o n e has to have a breakup in order to understand...maybe there are some people that learn as they go, or have been through enough small/notreallyabigdeal kinda bf's/gf's ( i won't even call it a relationship cause its not lOl ) to know what the deal is, buuuuut usually not. i've been through the experience so yes, i'm authorized to speak on the subject lOl. honestly, i could probably write a book on what to do and what not to do. this isn't me teaching or instructing you on how you should act in your relationship. just my 2 cents and advice for anyone who may be going through, went through it and can't seem to find out what went wrong, or how to tell where the relationship is going. this is from experience, observing others around me, and opinions of guys.

#1. the whole "my significant other is my best friend" thing:
-your girlfriend/boyfriend is the person you spend the most time with, so obviously he/she is gunna become one of your closest friends. but don't replace your best friends that were already there with your new significant other. that's really hard i know, but you can't make them your best friend. if you do, when you break up it'll be a thousand times worse because it's like losing 2 people. your boyfriend AND your best friend. this is probably the hardest part of a break-up. now you have no one to turn to, no one to confide in because you've replaced your friends that were there before with your s/o. to sum it up, don't forget about your friends...try and balance it out. don't just go to your s/o for every single thing so that once he's gone you're all alone when you need someone.

#2. i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t do you know what that means?:
-my guess is no lOl. this is along the same lines as don't make your s/o your best friend. do not do not do NOT become dependent on them. ever notice that when you're happy its because you're on good terms with them? if you and him/her are on really good terms you're on cloud 9, but the second things go sour and you're arguing, you have the biggest attitude in the world, don't wanna do anything, and everyone else has to deal with you until HE/SHE makes you feel better. it should never be that way. a significant is NOT your everything or your world. they are simply an added BONUS. a PLUS. something EXTRA to make your life BETTER. they should not MAKE your life. you should already be content with the life that you already have. you know, your happy with your family, friends, school, work, social life...everythings great, and then someone comes along and becomes your bf/gf and makes things just THAT much more great. not 'thank god i have this boyfriend now because i was miserable before but now i'm extremely happy with life', lol. i should've made this #1 because it's what bothers me the most. i was like this, and a lot of people i know are like this. basically, don't let your girlfriend or boyfriend determine your happiness. a wise, well semi-wise person told me that.

#3 God gave you intuition, use it:
-this is for the girls, i'm not a guy so i wouldn't know about ya'lls intuition or gut feeling. i know we like to go against it because we wanna believe that our guy is perfect and wouldn't do what we think he's doing but 90% of the time, he is. if you hear a different rumor a week about what he said, who he was with, and what he was doing..and he can make up an excuse for every single rumor, some of it is true. maybe not all, but definitely some. put it like this, you don't hear rumors about niggas that don't cheat, and don't have cheating ways. point blank period. you know those guys, those legit ones that aren't flirty, don't kick it with girls every day, and that everyone knows are 100% faithful to their don't hear shit about them do you? probably not. and if you're hearing something new every other day about how your nigga is tryna talk to so-and-so, how he was out with so-and-so, him and so-and-so were a little too close for comfort at some hotel think that's a damn coincidence? along with that rumor, think about how he acts towards you now compared to before you started hearing things. he's different right? more secretive, detached, you feel like he's only spending time w. you cause you're forcing him? it's no coincidence. 3 red flags is what he gets. the second the rumors start coming in, that's red flag #1. yes, people hate and love to see others happy but when the world is telling you the same thing, including the people closest to you...i knoow you wanna believe your nigga, but you can't. red #2 when he starts becoming distant which pretty much goes hand n hand with red flag #1. and red flag #3 when you actually get evidence yourself. not even necessarily cheating, but suspicious messages, him all of the sudden becoming extremely close to a random girl and he covers her up as being just a 'person he can talk to' or 'the close homegirl'.

#4 "you can believe what you want":
-i'll keep this one short, sweet and straight to the point. any s/o that isn't cheating on you or isn't in the wrong about whatever it is that ur debating over will never say those words when you're confronting him/her about something. ever. a faithful girl/guy that hasn't done anything wrong won't stand to be lied on or have you believing something that really isn't true. even if it's just a misunderstanding with something as small as you reading a message in his phone/aim/whatever else and interpreted it as something more than it was, he WILL explain and get to the bottom of it. any nigga/girl that says 'whatever, you can believe what you want' pretty much can't explain him/herself so they put it on you and make it seem like ur trippin, then you start to actually believe that maybe u are trippin n have gone crazy, just so that they can clear their own ass.

now, i know a lot of this sounds like how to find out if your GUY is right or not instead of it being both ways but here's something for you ladies. some of the times, WE are actually the ones that drive guys to do the things that they do. don't go through his phone, don't look over his shoulder as he's aim'ing, do NOT ask him for his passwords to any of his unless you have just busted him cheating and want to go through his shit lol. most of the time you do not need it in writing, if the signs are there i'm sure the msgs n convos will be too. you don't need to read those to know. anyway like i was saying. give him his space and privacy. stoooop smothering him. stooop going through his stuff. there's no need for a couple to have each other's myspace passwords. for what? why do you need to log into their account and see what's going on? what's the point? you both need privacy. also, stay away from his friends. yes it's normal to become associates w. their friends because u spend so much time w. them but leave it at that. this is more so for girls, his friends are NOT your friends, they're HIS. don't go running to his homeboy telling him how horrible he is & blah blah blah. maybe you don't know this, but they'll always choose him over you. at the end of the day they'll stick up for him, not you. plus, he doesn't want to hear about your relationship from his own friends, he deals w. you guys business with YOU..he doesn't need to hear it from them too..he gets enough bitching from you trust. that's one of the things that drives boys away because they feel smothered. don't call his friends to find out where he is, don't ask them to ask him stuff so they can relay back to you because he won't tell you what's wrong. if there's 1 thing i know about guys, it's that NO means NO. with us girls, when we say "leave me alone!", we really mean come after us..but a guy really needs his space when he's upset about something. he doesn't think it's cute showing up at his house like we do, it just makes matters worse. don't show up at his job or home..let him cool down like he's asked you to do. having a healthy relationship is really all about balance. spend your time together, but also spend your time with your friends/family/whoever else. i like to think of my relationship as friends who are really into each other lol. that's what makes it better, for me at i know i'm out with my "boyfriend" but it feels like i'm just out having a good time w. a friend that i reeeeally like n can kiss & stuff lol..which i like. and that also takes off less pressure,don't be together so much and do every romantic thing possible in the first few months of being together so that there's nothing else to do and when the feeling of it being 'new' has worn off, you're sad because things aren't how they were when you were trying to make your relationship seem like The Notebook. be normal. do normal stuff...go grocery shopping, to the beach, kick it and watch a movie, grab some taco bell lol. don't try and have candle lit dinners every night, give each other extremely extremely gay pet names, and tell each other how much you love them every 10 seconds. once things get settled and now you're actually IN the relationship and OUT of the honeymoon stage, all of that will be gone and you'll be disappointed.

i have so much more i could write but i'll save that for another post, these are just what i think are the basics to having a good relationship/finding out if you're in a bad one. to sum it all up, just don't be naive..i know your girl/guy seems perfect but you just never know with ppl now-a-days. enjoy and happy endings =)


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Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

u should tell more
great post folk
i feel the same way

♥SjHarris said...

hi there torrance stephens,
i've noticed you're a faithful commenter
i love that! and i really appreciate it, thank you =)

i'll be posting similar post soon!!

thank you again.

♥SjHarris said...

haha that's what happends when you've reached your breaking point! there's nothing left to sugar coat, ou're just STRiPPED.

IntrospectiveGoddess said...

That was great advice, especialy about the red flags and your has never failed me even though I have sometimes failed to listen to it.....New here, by way of torrance's blog...